Bad Jobs

Scott M., who lives in a yurt in Freeland, Washington, has commented that I have wrecked the curve as far as the average jobs a person holds in their lifetime. I can only agree. As someone who once referred to his series of occupations as "nothing more than a paycheck and pain," I am to employment as Wilt Chamberlain is to women. I probably also hold the record for "most jobs held that never appeared on any subsequent resume."

Since graduating from Santa Clara in 1987, I have compiled the type of job history that normally results in the colorful background of a writer. Or maybe it's just a series of pointless jobs. You decide.

I have to break it down by year, otherwise I'll forget most of them. Some lasted only a few days. I'm not listing the ones I never showed up for.

1987
Camera store clerk
JV baseball coach
Surfwear industry receptionist and merchandiser
Bartender
Banana field worker
Mover

1988
JV baseball coach
Bar doorman
Waiter

1989
Caterer
Private club waiter

1990
Temp
Comedy club cocktail waiter
Greek restaurant waiter
Restaurant host

1991
Waiter (again!)
Temp
Bicycle messenger
Waiter

1992
Waiter
Elevator operator

1993
Finally, last job as a waiter
Industrial carpet cleaner
Legal publication proofreader
Publisher of own newspaper
Music writer

1994
Temp. Sad, I know. "Isn't he kind of old for a temp?"
Music writer

1995
Temp.
Music writer

1996-1998
High school teacher

1998
WNBA.com editor

1999
Managing Editor -- Washington Law & Politics

2000
Some dotcom thing that I came to San Francisco for, where they held meetings that started at 9 pm and ended at 3 am. Then they went back to work. I last two months.
Another dotcom thing that was fun, but eventually imploded. I was on the marketing team and still have no idea what our product was.

2001
See above
AOL -- Editor
Consultant. What I was doing here is God's own secret.

2002-2004
Allie's dad

2005-2006
Realtor

Add 'em up. That's 38 jobs and something like 4 careers. And don't forget, you've got 3 grad school stints totalling 2 masters degrees in there.

Conversely, Sandra Bullock got her first job 18 days after graduating. She has had a total of 5 in the past 19 years. So you see what I'm up against here.